my choseon home

The photos of Bukansan (Mount Bukhan) are up, as well as Changdeokgung Palace, which I visited on Saturday. The palace was quite an experience, and though I was more interested in the photography - I always get a bit of an itchy shutter-finger when I see pagodas - what I picked up from the tour guide was pretty interesting.

Most of what you see of the fifteenth-century palace isn't really fifteenth-century palace at all, but was hastily cobbled back together after most bits were either nicked or bombed to splinters by the ever-marauding Japanese. "Why rebuild it rather than just rope it off and call it 'ruins'?", you might rightly ask. The answer is because they weren't done with using it yet! See, the Choseon Dynasty had been living there for a few centuries, and damned if they were going to write off a piece of choice real estate just because it had been turned into multicoloured chipboard. The last two princesses finally moved out in 1989, probably because they peeked over the wall and saw that, while they had been knocking back the Pimms in their Secret Garden, all their loyal subjects had cheekily ditched wooden pagodas and moved into these big, grey, rectangular things, and if one were to keep up with the Kims, as it were, wood and paint simply wouldn't wash any more. Also, all the other princesses were doing fun things like dating ex-drug barons or playing the field and having eating disorders, so the prospect of another cup of ginseng tea probably didn't seem as exciting any more.

Anyway, hooray for them, because their absence opens the way for legions of weigooks to go and poke around and take photos of their bedrooms. According to the leaflet, "They built the building according to the principle of modesty and humbleness." Hmm, I think somebody should tell them they've been quite considerably outdone in both categories by Owens Park in Manchester.

war:

Unpleasant.

"goodbye sheep, come here monkey!"

"Clever" people will tell you that 9pm on the first evening of a country's national holiday, in a raging blizzard, is not the best time to go on a road trip. Unfortunately, such people were in short supply on Tuesday night, and so it was that we embarked upon our epic journey to the craggy Middle-Earth peaks of Mount Sorak.

Unsurprisingly, we never made it.

Instead, we trundled through the slush at 20 mph for a couple of hours until we got to a little redneck backwater called Hannam, where we clambered out of the SUV and into a chicken restaurant. In fact, the Marie Celeste in chicken restaurant form. We were surrounded by uncleared tables with half-empty soju bottles and half-eaten dishes, but not a flicker of life. It seemed we hadn't realised how bad the bird flu epidemic had gotten. Very creepy. Never mind, there was a Family Mart next door, perhaps we could pick up a couple of Pizza Pockets and be on our way, but again to no avail - the shop assistant saw us coming and hastily locked up. So we trudged along the main strip down to what seemed to be a Germany-themed cafe, brimming with punters, and scored some chicken and chips. Beer was drunk, fat was chewed, and shit was shot, until we came to the inevitable conclusion that our mission was hopeless, not least because our hotel was still at least eight hours away. We pulled a U-turn, and suddenly the snow stopped. What's more, while the outward-bound side of the road was ankle-deep in snow, our side was straight out of the Ideal Roads catalogue. Somebody, or something, was trying to keep us inside the city limits of Seoul...

Eventually we got back to Marcy's flat, where we had a civilised evening of cheese, wine and cards, and resolved to try again the next day, which is to say this morning. We didn't try to leave Seoul again, but headed for the modest but local Mount Bukhan, stopping on the way for a delicious lunch at a top-notch kalbi restaurant. We braved the -17°C cold and headed for the ancient castle gate at the mountain's peak. Sadly Rachel got cold feet (literally) and the sun was going down, so it wasn't looking too hopeful. But then, out of nowhere, a little Buddhist monk came scuttling down the hill. We followed him back up again, and as he buggered off in a 4x4 we found a superb temple, covered in snow, with icicles dangling from the pagodas and dogs lounging on the rooftops. It was an awesome sight, and one of the few reminders of a beautiful old Korea which has been mostly reduced to rubble by a century of war. Hopefully I'll have the pictures up in the next couple of days.

So, happy Lunar New Year to everyone; the Year of the Monkey is upon us. Or, as one of my students perfectly put it, "goodbye sheep, come here monkey!". This is a time when a ghost called Yak Wang Ki will try and steal your shoes unless you hang up a sieve (apparently he gets sidelined trying to count the holes as he thinks they are eyes. Not too bright these Korean ghosts), and if you fall asleep your eyebrows will turn white. Also everyone gets a year older tomorrow, rather than on their birthday - immensely confusing if you want to know how old someone is - Koreans are born aged one, and add a year every New Year's Day. There are loads of interesting rituals and ceremonies, but I don't suppose I'll get to see any. Still, I blagged a pretty nice boxed set of rice-based toiletries from my boss, which is all good. Everyone is going to come to work smelling of rice on Monday.

I am thinking of visiting a palace tomorrow, so, assuming that plan comes to fruition, watch this space...

:), :), :), :), :), :), :), :), :), :), :)...

If I have to stretch my face into one more ingratiating grin this week my lips will snap. Thursday's please-your-boss project involved arriving five hours early in order to feature in the kindergarten graduation photos. Apparently Korean scientists have proved that the presence of a high number of pale bug-eyed faces in a photograph increases its aesthetic appeal to young mothers. So essentially we were there for advertising purposes. This was followed by Friday's kindie mass birthday party, so yet more pictures, but this was no problem as my jaw was still locked into a horrifying rictus after the graduation photos. Well, OK, I exaggerate - it wasn't too bad at all - but it was one of many reminders that our ethnicity is at least as much a commodity here as it is a teaching resource.

Great news, and I really hope I'm not being premature here, but the word on the street is that Saturdays at ECC are being scrapped next month! This is a big deal, as I have not had a weekend since early September. In fact, a couple of the early classes are being kept on, and it seemed that I'd be one of the fall guys, but a couple of the more brown-nosed characters in the office have apparently stepped in to volunteer - their misplaced scheming is my gain...

I asked Googlism.com the question "What is Seoul?". Here's what I got.

seoul is
seoul is een fraai zonnescherm met oog voor detail
seoul is my home?
seoul is on right track against corruption
seoul is mega
seoul is quite a city that can make people relieved
seoul is located at 126 degrees 59 minutes east longitude and 37 degrees 34 minutes north latitude
seoul is a place of growth and change
seoul is not imminent
seoul is a fascinating
seoul is a metropolis
seoul is the victor of the world cup
seoul is beautiful in the springtime
seoul is known to be one of the safest places to travel in with its low crime rate
seoul is south korea's heartbeat
seoul is the ideal venue for gala evenings
seoul is like any other major city
seoul is easy and efficient
seoul is a city of order
seoul is very nice place
seoul is the no
seoul is a huge megalopolis with a complex infrastructure and marked by skyscrapers
seoul is a city they want to visit again
seoul is a city of extreme contrasts
seoul is very stressful
seoul is located in the temperate zone and features four distinct seasons
seoul is both the capital and the heart of the republic of korea
seoul is a city of many faces
seoul is the centre of south korea
seoul is a unique place where modern time harmonizes with the past
seoul is a relatively "new" city since most buildings have been built only in the last three decades
seoul is a big city by any standards
seoul is the busy traffic and the crowded streets

Hmm, "quite a city that can make people relieved," eh? I guess the internet can't be wrong...

jaebol minded

Marcy asked me today if Britain has any equivalent to the Korean jaebols, the handful of huge mega-corporations who provide and/or sponsor just about every aspect of the Korean manufacturing industry and infrastructure. I immediately thought of Richard Branson, but the Virgin Group is really a cottage industry in comparison with these sprawling titans of the economy. You may not realise it, but you could name at least four of them: Hyundai, Samsung, LG, and Daewoo for instance. But what you may think of as a manufacturer of cars or washing machines has a lot more fingers in a lot more pies here. Samsung, for instance, operates banks, construction companies, a mobile phone network, and a chemicals company, and manufactures everything from farm machinery to digital cameras, so it's not at all unusual to see a giant Samsung logo painted onto a row of apartment buildings - in fact most of them have one jaebol logo or another.

Despite the space-age digital fridges, plasma TVs and micro-cars the jaebols produce, though, they are still firmly rooted in the traditional Korean values of nepotism, corruption, quangos and jingos. "Jae" means "finance" and "bol" means "clique", so it's not difficult to understand the inertia of the Korean economy. The country has one foot in the future and one in the past. With the future speeding ahead, though, how long, I wonder, before it does the splits and lands on its nuts?

On a lighter note, there's a new game in town. It's easy to learn, and fun to play! Here are the rules:

First, find a spot with plenty of Koreans (i.e. anywhere in Seoul), the more the better. Subway stations and the plaza at Coex Mall are good. Get comfortable, set your stopwatch to 5 minutes and get counting...

Duffel coat = 1 point
Plaid bag/coat/scarf/trousers/skirt = 1 point
Fur trim = 1 point

Plaid duffel coat combo = 3 points
Fur-trimmed duffel coat combo = 3 points
Fur-trimmed plaid coat combo = 3 points

Fur-trimmed plaid duffel coat super combo = 10 points
Head-to-toe plaid = 10 points

Any item on a dog counts for triple. Scores in excess of 100 are by no means unattainable - I scored a super combo on Sunday. The Korean Borg lives on.

unreality tv

Watching television can be like injecting your brain with a syringe full of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease at the best of times, but surely no other country can boast the sheer volume of unadulterated pap on its screens as South Korea.

One would think that, with 74 diverse channels in English, Korean and Konglish, to hit the standby button on a Korean remote control would be to embark on an odyssey of culture, entertainment and information. Not so. First you are hit by the deluge of crappy home-shopping style advertising. Never considered buying a massage product in your life? Tough titty, because there are at least twenty-five more ads for foot baths, orthopaedic pillows, therapeutic cushions and back-scratching apparatus between now and the second half of Band of Brothers. To make matters worse, "proper" adverts here are almost all identical: pretty girl meets pretty boy in prelapsarian garden of innocence, boy makes romantic faux pas, giggling ensues. Buy Ottogi bean paste. They can be hard to distinguish from Korean soap operas, which follow much the same formula, only repeated cyclically for 30 minutes.

Of course, the sensible punter has by now picked up a book and sworn never to touch that green button again, but stay, friend, and you will see just how deep this river of dross runs...

As a lowly channel 3, and the only truly Korean channel broadcast in English, Arirang TV is a good place to start. Quiz Champion is like University Challenge on a budget of £20, with Paxman's entertainingly wry facetiousness replaced with irritatingly over-earnest truckling: "Hi, everyone. Since we're here, we thought our team name should be Here. Being here with Brian, our team Here will strive to be here next time, right here." Would Arirang even exist without the inspiration of Paxman? Apparently not - the jewel in Arirang's duff-metal crown is Heart to Heart, a current affairs show with all the cut and thrust of a damp sponge.

So flick on to channels 19, 20, 29 and 30 - the movie channels. As I believe I mentioned before, all Korean youths really want to do is yell "screw Confucius, I'm gonna go apeshit for once". unfortunately they can't do that, so watching Sylvester Stallone doing just that on four channels of virtually wall-to-wall action movies is the next best thing. Testosterone spent, the violence makes way for blurred-out soft porn à la Channel 5 after midnight.

Channel 50 is CNN, a little patriotic primer for number 55, the truly unreal AFN Korea (American Forces Network). Lest you forget you're living 33 miles from the nuclear menace, a quick fix of North American propaganda is sure to slam your head back against the Iron Curtain. Those who have seen Starship Troopers will register a flicker of recognition here. Amongst "Remember; in the hour of darkness wear your reflector belts", "When invited to dinner in someone's home, dress neatly and bring a small gift" and "Consideration: It Really Works" are dozens of newsreels and footage of America's great cultural and military legacy. Here's a sample from a real AFN commerical:

"Hello son. How was your day?"
"Great! I did my homework, did my chores and decided I would spend some quality time with Rover outside and not cause any trouble for my dear mother."
"Thats so nice to hear. You are my favorite son. Just how long have you been out here washing Rover?"
"Only ten minutes father."
"Well I think its about time you called it quits. You know... water is a very valuable resource for the United States Air Force. If we want to be good citizens, and do our small part to make the world a better place, we should try and reduce the effects of fraud, waste and abuse. Why don't you take Rover inside and grab your ball mitt. I would love nothing other than to play catch with my favorite son after a nice productive day at the office."
"OH GEE WHIZZ DAD! That would be great! I love you."

Actual AFN programming centres on David Leno and Jay Letterman, and news bulletins delivered by the gormless Specialist Pritchard, a giant mass of furrowing eyebrows and drooping lower lips swaddled in camouflage and pinned together with medals.

Somewhere in the mid-sixties you will find MBC Game and On-Game Net. Yes, you are right, this is where you can watch your favourite pro-gamers slogging it out at the Korean national sport of Starcraft. What could be more captivating than watching hours of footage of poorly-animated, garish clumps of pixels firing garish clumps of pixels at other garish clumps of pixels? The shipping forecast, for one. I am forced at this juncture to admit, with more than a modicum of shame, that I've actually been on MBC Game (not as a garish clump of pixels though) as well as the pathetic Korean incarnation of MTV, as I walked into the midst of a tournament being filmed at the XBox room in the COEX mall. Inevitably, Rachel and I ended up with giant cameras poking into our pale faces, but at least she was the one being filmed repeatedly wiping out on a snowboarding game and cursing at the screen.

Which just leaves Channel 74, Dong Ah Television. I was surprised to find that "dong ah" means "fashion" and not either "breasts" or "Friends", which is all they ever seem to broadcast. Of course, Friends is usually worth a watch, although maybe not eight times a day...

non-native tongue?

Thought verb tables were nasty? Read this horrible article.

Also now putting up more photos. Hooray!