melly chlissamassa

Yes indeed, that's Konglish for Merry Christmas, the time of thin wallets and fat men in red suits who, in Korea at least, are electronic and gyrate provocatively in shopping malls with an unmistakeable trouser bulge. Apparently I was earmarked to be the Red Man at this year's kindergarten Christmas party, but by some merciful fluke my boss forgot to ask me until it was too late. Some of my students have been reading that whacked-out beat novel The Bible too much as well, and I was treated to a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday Dear Jesus" by a class of five-year-olds this morning. I toyed with the idea of explaining to them about the hijacking of Pagan festivals, but don't really want to spend the New Year tippexing out irate parent's comments on report cards before the Korean teachers see them. Talking of stationery products, thanks for the blu-tack Mum - every time it comes out the kids gather round for a glimpse of the strange stuff, and I have more than once wrestled it away from curious students intent on tasting it.

I started celebrating this year by going for a quiet pint and a game of pool after work. As usual, this little acorn of an idea grew into a great oak of a bender amd we stayed out til 4am after dancing furiously with a crowd of "sexual" Mongolians and heading like drunken moths for the bright lights of Konkuk (see People & Places in the photos). As a result, the orgy of Kahlua, overeating and fairy lights I had envisioned for my Christmas party kind of withered into one of abstention, picking at nachos and avoidance of flashing coloured lights. Nevertheless, it was a ton of fun and was followed by a trip to Technomart to see homoerotic-undertone-fest The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I recommend it heartily; pretty faithful to the book and a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy.

It's amazing how those elves manage to find time out from purging Middle Earth of the orc scourge to help out in Lapland, but they did a good job this year nonetheless. Santa was on top form, furnishing me with leather gloves, a remote-controlled car, a funky kettle, seven pairs of socks and a stocking full of chocolate.

Hot on the tail of Christmas was Boxing Day, and with it another epic piss-up in Hongdae. I'll spare the details for reasons of decency, but suffice to say that all my classes today involved puzzles, colouring and a strict "no sudden movements" policy. Actually it was quite depressing, as a delinquent little turd called Toy had kicked the crap out of one of my best students before class, and another student turned up 20 minutes late, utterly traumatised and unable to do her speaking test. It's no fun to find yourself helpless in these situations.

Anyhow, several days have elapsed since the above paragraph, and I can only offer a reiteration of my confession to extreme laziness to account for this. Those several days obviously include New Year's Eve, which was yet another massive bender - the highlight being the fact that we invited a very conservative workmate, who was in due course utterly corrupted by us and has decided to become a Bad Girl. She is addicted to the Dark Side now, and has been demanding to be taken out again on Saturday for more soju-fuelled debauchery, which I feel it is our duty as cultural ambassadors to provide. Details soon if I can remember any.

Sorry about the recent disappearance of Post a Message and links to the photo albums - this is because I have been buggering about with the template. Am about to try and restore normality.

there's such a lotte world to see

For the ultimate in contemporary Korean experiences, there's nothing quite like Lotte World. As I think I mentioned, this is a shopping mall so unreasonably large it contains an entire theme park, not to mention a 25-floor luxury hotel, an ice rink, a wedding hall complex, a folk village, an art gallery, a cinema complex, and a sports centre. It is the only building in which I've ever been completely lost. Of course, anything that big in this country is an Aladdin's cave of weird little cultural nuggets. I've already written about the theme park, and the shooting range - real guns! Don't tell Kim Jong-Il - deserves a mention, but yesterday's trip yielded the weirdest thing: a dog-petting cafe. Here you can kick back with your coffee and smooch with a Crufts-style pooch, which is allowed onto the table, all slobbering on your cinnabun and molting in your mochaccino. It wouldn't be so bizarre if the natives didn't take it so seriously. Unfortunately, as usual, a stealthy photo attempt was scuppered by a surly waitress, but I will hone my espionage techniques and try again.

Not much to say about work recently, except that the office politics have started to resemble those of any country ending in "stan". However, party life is still as it should be, with another legendary piss-up on Saturday, but as usual not all the details are fit for family consumption, so will not be appearing here. For those who aren't on the ball, there are now more photos in the galleries and a few others are on the boil, so check them out and post a message at the bottom of this post! It'd be good to hear from you.

Daily gripe: cars. It appears that Seoul doubles as the world's largest outdoor car park. It is perfectly acceptable to park on or, in some cases, drive down the pavement, forcing pedestrians onto a road populated by people who have been watching too much Days of Thunder. Maxed-out Vauxhall Nova monkeys eat your hearts out: the bad boys here have cars with neon strip lighting, spoilers straight out of Buck Rogers, custom paint jobs, blue headlights and all manner of random cack stuck on their bodywork. See that strip of 'safe' pavement on the other side of the road? You'll have to wait ten minutes at a crossing whose rules don't apply to buses, taxis or motorbikes - remember that game Frogger? One friend of mine won't cross the road unless he has a Korean "hostage" - usually an old geezer who can cross the road whenever he feels like it and stop the traffic like Moses.

It would be unfair to continue my series of comedy korean characters without including a Western specimen, so here he is...

G.I. JOE

Description: This juice monkey is an elegant being, with a fine appreciation of art and a keen wit.

Age: 18-35

Found: Almost exclusively, Hooker Hill.

Wears: Fatigues and a buzz-cut. When off-duty, usually wears a muscle vest and a short, skinny Russian or Korean whore as a sort of pendant dangling from the elbow.

Favourite pastimes: Acting as a cultural ambassador for the U.S.A. That is to say, swaggering around with a posse of clones, terrorising female English teachers and Russians. Shouting. Drinking, at least until obligatory 1am bedtime - awww...

I should mention at this point that, as far as I can tell, Korean soldiers are more or less completely inoffensive, and I have actually seen them escorting old ladies across the road. Sometimes their utterly un-military demeanour even verges on campness (see the photo in "Silly Korean Stuff"), and you have to wonder if some of the American G.I.s secretly just want to be friendly, civilised people like them.

thongs of innocence and experience

Friday night was Club Night in Hongdae, and a great night out, engendering one of the funniest incidents I've ever seen - on Saturday morning, Marcy received a text message from a guy she'd taken home: "Good morning, I think I'm wearing a thong." How does one find oneself unexpectedly wearing a thong? Scrabbling for his trousers in a drunken haze, he'd accidentally put on Marcy's visitng friend Charis' trousers, complete with underwear. As if this wasn't bad enough, due to an obscene level of drunkenness he'd crapped himself in the night. In Charis' pants. Disgusting. We were laughing so hard even our boss was in stitches, even though she didn't know why we were laughing!

I went to Lotte World Adventure last night, an entire amusement park inside a shopping mall, which makes for quite a strange atmosphere when you find yourself stepping into a gigantic room like Slartibartfast's planet factory in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It is the home of the most unsettling laser show anywhere. First, an eerie mist rises up from the ice rink below the park. All the action centres on a massive, menacing silver ball, which displays a big cackling magician's face (presumably with some kind of krayzee world domination plan). Fortunately a bunch of psychedelic manga characters are on hand to give him a good beating, led by a nearly-naked woman with a whip - perfect for the kids. Anyway, I can't describe how disturbing the whole thing is, but the feeling is accentuated by the fact that you are sitting 40 minutes away from a rogue nuclear state with some kind of krayzee world domination plan. It really has to be experienced I suppose.

Another thing I did yesterday was buy a digital camera! You can see some of my photos (and some taken by Charis) by following the links on the right...