spaced girl to space girls

A weird day. Firstly, woke up surrounded by cats, next to a girl who was munching on prozac for breakfast. Then went to work, where a teacher mysteriously quit his job in a rage, sending weird vibes rippling through the office. Finally, was hurriedly bundled out of the building as the MIB turned up for a (very) private word with my boss. So I won't be surprised if I get to work tomorrow and the door is locked with a memo saying "go home".

One breed of comedy Korean character I neglected to include on Tuesday is my personal favourite, Space Girls (at least that's what I call them). Apparently, if you want to sell anything in Korea, you can't go far wrong with a handful of these - attractive girls in tiny, shiny PVC outfits (typical colour scheme: silver and purple), furry leg-warmers and space-age make-up/hairstyles. What makes me laugh, though, is the products they are employed to sell; not mobile phones or laptops, but more often than not washing powder, toothpaste and binbags. Certainly adds a new element of weirdness to grocery shopping when a real-life manga character leaps out from aisle 7 brandishing a squeegee. They are everywhere, and come in a variety of flavours. The best by far are the Space Girls in cowgirl hats outside Technomart. These girls' job is to dance on a podium in a miniskirt while directing the traffic with pretty (and indecipherable) hand-fluttering gestures worked into their routine. Although they are presumably there under the pretext of traffic safety, the irony is that the drivers perving at them through their blacked out Hyundai windows definitely don't have their eyes on the road.

Matt: Did you have the sound on for the gay sumo episode? Don't think that sumo is forcing anyone out of his ring in a hurry... Any more thoughts on your next move?

Nothing to do with Korea, but could Strong Bad be the funniest thing on the Internet? Definitely up there with Matrix Ping Pong!

noraebanging til the sun comes up

The other night I had my first noraebang ("singing room") experience. Golly gosh, these guys take their karaoke seriously, and that of course is no bad thing. Here's the deal: first you find a noraebang. This is not difficult as they are almost as ubiquitous as PC-Bangs. That is to say, very. Normally, and, as usual, inexplicably, they have a big, scary sculpture of a monster of some sort hanging over the doorway - one local place has H. R. Giger's "Alien" (from the film with what's-her-name, Sigourney Weaver) - somehow doesn't seem congruous with people singing J-Lo.

You go in, hand over a few thousand won, grab some beers, and they show you to a room with a massive plasma screen, another screen with footage of you making a tit of yourself, two microphones and a couple of tambourines. But the magic really starts with the music - the room goes dark, elaborate disco lighting appears from nowhere, and bubbles start floating down from the ceiling. Like being inside Kylie Minogue's head. I think it's also possible to buy the video footage; I know that games arcades here have tiny little soundproof booths where people go to sing karaoke on their own and come out with a CD. The country's proliferation of terrible pop stars, though, is proof that practice doesn't always make perfect.

On a different note, looking back, it might seem that I have given a somewhat negative picture of Korean people, which was not my intention at all. Although their cultural peculiarities can be frustrating at times, such as avoiding the subject and always answering in different shades of "yes", even when the answer is clearly "no" or "sorry, I just don't understand what you're saying", on the whole Koreans are really nice people, for two main reasons:

1) Hospitality. Koreans are disarmingly generous. How many British kids bring presents for their teachers for no other reason than to say "even though I am capable of being a little turd sometimes, I appreciate you teaching me"? In bars, the staff and customers will give you free drinks for the pleasure of your company. I had one incident a while ago where a friend and I stopped a guy for directions to a park - he pointed us the right way and went on his way (in the other direction). An hour later, in a middle of a crowd of drunken pensioners dancing in the park, he turned up again, completely exhausted from running around looking for us - he just wanted to check that we meant this park and not the other park! It's a nice feeling to know that society still exists in some parts of the world.

2) Honesty. People here just don't lie, cheat and steal the way people do back home. If you left a bag full of gold bars in the middle of a shopping mall, nobody would take it - someone might move it to somewhere safe, or, more likely, search for you all day to give it back. Same goes for mobile phones, wallets, jackets... Likewise, nobody here is going to stab you in the stomach and nick your trainers. The constant threat of danger and aggression back home is like a buzzing fridge in the background: you don't really realise its intensity until it suddenly disappears.

In other news, what a game last night! A real shame I was the solitary Englishman surrounded by Aussies and Irish people - had to make a sharp exit, and went to see three brilliant comedy plays ("The Last Yankee", "The Battle of Bull Run Always Makes Me Cry" and another one) which an Irish friend was directing up on Hooker Hill. Sadly I was stuck next to my friend's butch Texan girlfriend who saw nothing inappropriate about shouting things like "YES! I love this woman!" every time a joke was cracked. Cringe.

One more thing. If you thought the Pepero Day Card was odd... Mashimaro, local humour at its finest.

Spackle: Hey, thought you were Janelle W! If the Noo Joysey School of Hard Knocks gets to be too much, you could always slurp up the easy life over here. How's things?

comedy korean characters

THE AJUMA (lit. old maid)

Description: Any Korean woman over the age of 40 who is starting to look a little ropey.

Age: 40+

Found: At subway stops, saunas and Seven-Eleven.

Wears: Bad cardigans, ill-fitting shoes, and the trademark "ajuma visor" - a gigantic jet black Judge Dredd-style plastic screen which can fold down to protect the face from crumbling away on contact with sunlight.

Favourite pastimes: Using age as an excuse to body-check her way to the front of queues. Tutting. Disapproving of things. Singing whiney music on the street.


THE AJUSHI

Description: The male ajuma. Representing 87% of the Korean population, he is stern but kind.

Age: 40+

Found: In soju tents.

Wears: The universal Korean male uniform - golfwear. Typically comprises nipple-hugging grey trousers, tasteless pastel shirt and ill-fitting shoes.

Favourite pastimes: Hacking up flobs of gunk onto the street (this is perfectly acceptable in Korea, whereas swigging a bottle of mineral water while walking will elicit disgust and disapproval). Drinking soju at all hours.


MISS KOREA

Description: Pretty but vacant. Has the social age of a nine-year-old.

Age: 16-25

Found: In Technomart, Coex Mall, Lotte World, games arcade.

Wears: Fluffy leg warmers, miniskirt, blue/pink highlights, Hello Kitty handbag.

Favourite pastimes: Giggling, staring, playing with, but never actually speaking into, handphone.


GANG-PEI (gangster)

Description: Would be one badass mofo, were he only a touch more imposing. As a result, he looks like the bad guy from a kiddies' action flick.

Age: 20-30

Found: Outside "Business Clubs", in black cars with smoked-out windows, and in cinemas, inexplicably.

Wears: Long black jacket, orange shades, and piercings (shock).

Favourite pastimes: Trying to look more like Al Pacino than Joe Pesci. Smoking menthols.


LIBRARIAN GIRL

Description: As immortalised in Michael Jackson's classic song. She is everything her mother hoped for. Urgently needs to get laid/drunk/stoned.

Age: 20-30

Found: Absolutely everywhere.

Wears: Frilly blouse buttoned up to the neck, long skirt, sensible cardigan.

Favourite pastimes: Searching (with more than a modicum of desperation) for a husband.


GHETTO SUPERSTAR

Description: He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

Age: 16-25

Found: In Itaewon clubs, McDonalds, Nike shops...

Wears: Standard hip-hop fare, but with daft slogans like "New York Friend Style" embroidered on it.

Favourite pastimes: Dancing like a chimp on an electrified floor. Trying to work out what a "bling bling", a "P.I.M.P" and a "fo' reeeal" actually are. Busting moves to the McDonalds "I'm Lovin' It" theme.


STUDENT

Description: Your common-and-garden English student. I see a lot of these. In my line of work, you know.

Age: 5-12

Found: In hogwans (English schools), playing retro arcade games outside corner shops, huddled around boiled silkworm larvae stalls.

Wears: Sweater with Disney characters on it, Heelies (see below), T-shirt with totally inappropriate slogan (e.g. "69 player").

Favourite pastimes: Shouting. Sulking. Grassing up other students. Drawing poo. The "dong shin" - a traditional Korean children's greeting which involves making a wedge with the fingers and attempting to plunge it up the greetee's bottom.

Nelly: Hi baby, thanks for the feedback!

a cartoon culture

Well, it's been a month since I posted. Er, sorry about that. Today is a very special day in Korea - it's Pepero Day. What in the seven hells does that mean? Well, as anyone who habitually works on Saturdays will tell you, you can never have too many public holidays - in South Korea's case, as observing anything Japanese/North Korean/Western would be culturally blasphemous, they decided they didn't have enough. So Lotte, manufacturers of, among a squillion other things, "Pepero's" (a nutritious little chocolatey biscuit snack), chivalrously stepped in and came up with Pepero Day, when children and adults across the pensinsula eat, and, more importantly, buy, little chocolatey biscuit snacks for no good reason at all. There is no pretence of festivity, just an orgy of buying Peperos. Hence, my still-blank report cards are currently buried under a mountain of Peperos on my desk, and my students were all completely wired today from excessive chocolate consumption. This is a consumer society in its element - I even scored a furry Pepero cover for my mobile phone. For a unique insight into Korean culture you should take a look at this animated Pepero Day card. It is for real.

From the Wal-Mart Korea website:

Pepero day products collections.
It could be a good opportunity to meet various kinds of peperos in wal -mart stores Event 1, On the day of pepero day( Nov 11th), wal -mart will give a free candy to visiting middle and high school customers

- Date :5th, Nov. ~ 11st, Nov

- Location : All stores

- Target : Middle and high school students and lovers

Hmm.

On the subject of festivity, Hallowe'en was literally a riot, as I spent ten hours dressed as a scary clown (getting progressively scarier as the face paint cracked and smudged), and even reduced a couple of the kindergarten kids to tears. Revenge Day, my boss calls it. Unfortunately for my head, it happened to coincide with club night in Hongdae, which means unlimited club entry and a free drink for £7.50 - all the horrors of Hallowe'en have nothing on the realisation that you have to be in front of a class of six-year-olds in four hours and you are still waiting for a taxi. The best night I've had recently though was at the new local 'Western' bar - the last thing they were expecting was for actual Westerners to turn up! They all clapped when we walked in, brought us dishes of fruit and whatever free beer merchandise they could scrounge together - it was like walking into a remote tribal village. Anyway, after too many free beers and whiskey we put on a show for them: a couple of people started dancing and the suddenly turned off the lights, cranked up the music, turned on a strobe light and gave us all sparklers. Before you knew it, everybody, even the cook, was dancing, my boss had literally ripped open a gay colleague's shirt, shocked Korean barmaids were being groped and all manner of debauchery had broken loose. Oh dear. This, my friend was explaining to the manager last night, is what happens when you adopt the "Western" tag.

Very soon I will be getting a digital camera so all this will be backed up with photographic evidence - will keep you posted...

Oh, and a little more evidence that authority in Korea is all about pretending you're not so grouchy after all: the national police insignia, I discovered, is a picture of Mickey Mouse giving a thumbs-up.

Hockey Rich: Why don't you just peter off... So what's next for you? Going anywhere after Uni?

Gobbler: thanks for the poem. Actually, the one I had in mind was "next to of course god america i" - you'll see the resemblance is uncanny:

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water.